Five Before Chaos

File this one under ’so bad, it’s awesome’. Last night I watched ‘Three The Hard Way’ (1974), directed by Gordon Parks, Jr. (Superfly). Not available in the U.S., I watched a Japanese import, a pan and scan version. Now, where to begin?

The film stars three of the biggest stars of the early 70’s blaxploitation action film genre… Fred Williamson (Black Caesar, Bucktown, etc), Jim Brown (Slaughter, Black Gunn), and Jim Kelly (Black Belt Jones). Williamson stars as some high-roller publicist, Brown is a Rolls-Royce drivin’ record producer, and Jim Kelly runs a karate school. The three join forces (I’ve always wanted to say that) to stop some wimpy-lookin’ white supremacist who’s going to poison the water supplies of Detroit, Washington D.C. and Los Angeles with a deadly poison that only kills black people. Yep, read that sentence again. I’m not kidding. Sounds like Trent Lott’s wet dream, eh?

This movie was a hoot, soooper low-budget. There were so many funny things about it, here’s a few… You can see the shadow of the cameraman in several shots (I was looking for the boom mic to pop into the top of the frame but it never happened). Huge loopholes, continuity issues. There’s a huge shootout scene that takes place in a car wash in Chicago. Somehow, in the next scene, everybody’s in New York. Nobody ever runs out of bullets. Williamson’s character has a long cigar in his mouth in every scene… that’s NEVER lit. Jim Kelly makes silly grunting noises in his badly choreographed kung-fu scenes, which sound even sillier when in slo-motion. Our heroes take on and kill huge amounts of white supremacists with machine guns, using only a handgun. The evil mastermind gives his speech about how his plan will exterminate the black race to his massive group of about twenty followers. I’m sure it would work, considering the only places in the country with black populations are Detroit, L.A. and D.C. , right?

Jim Brown explains to Fred Williamson and Jim Kelly how quickly their careers will disappear after the blaxploitation craze runs its course.

Now, it’s interesting how some bad movies can really just suck (like Black Shampoo) and how other bad ones are just so watchable. I can’t pinpoint it, but I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. The soundtrack, by Curtis Mayfield’s old group, The Impressions, was truly funktastic. It was every blaxploitation musical archetype… the sweeping strings, the horns, the soulful vocals, the non-stop wah-wah guitar. I loved it. I was kind of surprised, though at the difference in quality between this and Parks, Jr’s other Blaxploitation flick, Superfly, which was a much better movie overall (as far as the genre goes, anyways). Good luck finding this one (try eBay). If you’re into the genre, this one’s a must-see, if only for the humor of it all.

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