Five Before Chaos

Well, this is interesting. Whod’a thunk there’s be a film that could be both a spaghetti western AND a blaxploitation flick? An Italian production directed by Antonio Margheretti, 1975’s Take A Hard Ride, actually fits the bill. It stars Spag Western legend Lee Van Cleef, as well as three of the biggest blaxploitation stars: Fred Williamson, Jim Brown, and Jim Kelly, who also starred in the hilarious (but not a comedy) Three The Hard Way.

The three of them yet again ‘join forces’ to deliver an $86,000 bankroll that is also desired by a bunch of other people, most notably a bounty hunter named Keifer (Van Cleef). That’s the plot in a nutshell. And, for the most part, breathtaking scenery aside, this film was pretty lame. Lots to poke fun at, however, so here it goes.

Jim Kelly plays a mute Indian with a tiny afro who karate kicks people in the nuts! Yeeeah, boy!

The acting was horrible. Brown, Williamson, and Kelly were never known as acting heavyweights, and it’s quite apparent here. Williamson does his typical pimp/hustler talk, smoking those long thin cigars that he has in every movie you’ve ever seen him in. Brown looks like he’s struggling to remember his lines, and mercifully, Kelly’s character is mute. Van Cleef looks like he’d rather be elsewhere, as though he’s disgusted with himself for even being in this film.

Sensing his career was quickly coming to a close, Van Cleef decided to finally kick back and let his hair grow.

This one was actually filmed in the Cayman Islands, something to do with a rider in Jim Brown’s contract - a tax dodge, perhaps?

Fred Williamson and Jim Brown debate the merits of Brown’s trouser snake having such a prominent role in a Spaghetti Western. Would Leone or Corbucci go for it?

Like I said, aside from the beautiful scenery and the novelty of the particular cast, there’s not really much to like about this film. Even the stock spag western cliche of the camera zooming in to dramatic closeups on faces is overdone. I can actually tell you how many pores Jim Brown has on his nose. There was one laugh-out-loud scene worth mentioning. Williamson’s character goes over a 700 foot or so waterfall, and the scene is comprised of a very obvious dummy tumbling down the falls interspersed with a screaming Williamson thrashing around in a swimming pool or jacuzzi or something. I almost pissed my pants.Dumb movie critic tagline for this one: ‘This one’s so bad, be sure to ‘take a hard ride’ away from it!”

Here’s the way-too-serious trailer…

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