Five Before Chaos

I’ve often pointed out how conservatives don’t seem to be able to be funny, giving us things like  bad Daily Show ripoffs that go nowhere and douches like Dennis Miller. Often, conservative “humor” consists of just being a mean prick and laughing about it, which is really no different from them when they’re not trying to be funny. Maybe they just laugh less when they’re not trying. Anyways, I have to amend that statement about them not being funny. Conservatives, especially the mouthbreathing, luantic-fringe type, are HYSTERICAL… but only when they’re not trying to be.

As the right wing nutball implosion seems to be happening so quick I can’t even keep up anymore, it’s not taking long for the hysteria to reach new and dramatic heights. It’s almost as though the entire crazy population of the country opened their mouths at once. Racist crazyman Glenn Beck is now predicting some Road Warrior-type armed insurrection. The CPAC (Conservative Pricks Acting Crazy) gathering  just wound up, where they were wowed by an eloquent 13 year-old who can speak in the usual reality-challenged talking points, and are literally creaming their pants over the hateful, incendiary words of a fat, impotent, pill-popping sex tourist, who can’t even figure out the difference between the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution (as thought he really understands either, to begin with). And of course, there’s that Rick Santelli (which of course, was anything but spontaneous) “new tea party” nonsense, which is a real hoot. Did you know a whopping 200 people showed up for one in NYC (you know, that city with over 8 million people)?

The Village Voice has a bit on it, and I really couldn’t stop laughing. Putting aside the very obvious fact that these people know nothing about socialism, history, Marxism or anything else with more than two syllables, it’s amazing how seriously unhinged these people are.  A few choice nuggets of “wisdom”.

Now, I know, I might have gone a tad overboard here, but jeez, it’s soooo entertaining:

There’s the usual Godidiots…

“If we do not return to the foundations that made us great, every Ivy League school that declares in almighty God and in Jesus Christ is our trust, we can, we are a nation of Judeo-Christian values (cheers) before sharia takes us over and we become dhimmitudes! Is that what you want?” She said unnamed enemies “want to take us down to Socialism and Communism and Marxism.”

Wow, communism and Marxism.  Which Marx, Groucho or Harpo?

And this guy has an incredibly original solution that we’ve really never heard before:

Patrick Gibson, host of the Evil Conservative radio show on WVOX in New Rochelle, said “the same government that gave us the welfare state, the same government that created the problems that we’re in right now, is the same government that says, ‘Give us all the power and we’ll solve the problems for you.’” His proposed solution was “tax cuts for business.”

This woman is brilliant. Ability to give good speeches to large crowd = 6 million dead Jews. It’s not that big of a leap, they tells me:

“Obama made his big speech in Berlin, a lot of people in Germany were creeped out by that speech. You know why? He reminded them of someone from their past that shamed them a good deal. And he reminds me of him.

This guy took ten years to get his economics degree. I wonder why:

The first of the citizens to take the bullhorn declined to identify himself, though he said he had spent “ten years” at the University of Chicago, where he said he took an economics degree. “The people who robbed the bank are now in charge of the bank,” he said. The Democrats “lied through their teeth when they said deregulation caused [the financial crisis], it was the regulation that caused it.

Yes, having these almost non-existent rules in place caused it, and Obama was really president for the last eight years, too.

The real humor, of course, is in the comments section, both from the nutters who were apparently too disturbed to show up that day, and to the smart, sensible people making fun of them:

Of course, the “birthers’:

TAXATION BY AN INELIGIBLE PRESIDENT IS TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION.

NO BIRTH CERTIFICATE — WHO IS HE TO TAKE LAYERS AND LAYERS OF NEW TAXES FROM WORKING AMERICANS?

This guy seems to be confused. At first, it seems, once again, that Obama and the Dems have been in charge forever:

The point behind this protest was very simple – The same government that created these problems now wants carte blanche to “solve” them with solutions that are anything but.

But then,  he makes a reference to Bush in the next sentence:

Just like tyrants before him, Obama rails against select groups and singles THEM out for his onerous policies.. not YOU… at least not YET. He calls small business owners “the rich.” Let me ask you… has anyone ever gotten a job from a poor person?

Has anyone ever gotten herpes from a water buffalo? That’s what I wanna know. This nexy guy, apparently “zero” is a large number (at least in regards to the stimulus package):

For the record, I believe that both the liberal left and the conservative right are collectivist to their core. This is why so many Republican Congressman voted in favor of the Bailout and Stimulus packages.

But basically, two comments from thinking people summed it up nicely:

There’s something so adorable about a group the size of an average elementary school, with a combined IQ lower than the current Dow, waddling together to complain about…economic theory?

You are the political equivalent of a skateboarder taking a handrail in the crotch. How can we not laugh?
Indeed. The brownshirt browntrouser brigade (as in “pants-pooper”) thinks they’re soooo scary. They’re not. Finally, we’re getting something good out of ‘em: a good laugh.