Five Before Chaos

Yep, it’ s that time again, people. So much idiocy, so little time before the Rapture, eh?

First up, it’s the ‘who would Jesus bomb?’ category, where police in Maryland have foiled a plan to bomb an abortion clinic. I don’t know about you, both nothing to me exemplifies Christian kindness more than this:

“According to an ATF affidavit, Weiler planned to bomb an abortion clinic in Greenbelt and use a .40-caliber handgun he had stolen from a friend to “shoot doctors who provided abortions.”

Apparently this jerkoff got caught when one of his homemade bombs went off in his friend’s house. Who knew God had such a sense of humor?

Next up, the single most pressing, important issue to ever face our nation, and no, I don’t mean the preservation of Hitler’s brain and the upcoming Rise of the Fourth Reich… I’m talkin’ ’bout gay marriage. As you probably know by now, the GOP spent a good portion of the week pushing their effort to amend the Constitution to ban gay marriage, since apparently everything else in America is just fine. The war in Iraq is over, gas is back down to 1.10 a gallon, the earth is once agin cooling off, and I’m enjoying that new universal healthcare plan they just adopted. You know the story, they’re tanking in the polls, and it’s time to wave some bloody flesh in front of the knuckle-dragging, pea-brained GOP base. Funny thing is, it might not work this time. But at least we can all rest easy at night knowing that ‘there’s never been a homosexual relationship in the recorded history’ of Senator James Inhofe’s family. Whew, I was really worried about that one there.

Now, I must admit to having enjoyed a few ultra-super-violent video games. In fact, I still do. So what. Needless to say, I was thrilled to the gills to hear about ‘Left Behind: The Video Game’. As you probably know, the ‘Left Behind’ series is a series of books written by Tim LaHaye and some other nutjob whose name I can’t remember, where all the good Christian sheeple are whisked away in the Rapture, and the remaining ones are stuck on earth to battle it out with the antiChrist or something like that. Scary thing is, these books are ridiculously popular, as in record-breeakingly popular. You can find them at Wal-mart next to other classy literature such as the latest Dr. Phil book. Anyways the point of the game is, according to the people over at Talk to Action, is:

“Imagine: you are a foot soldier in a paramilitary group whose purpose is to remake America as a Christian theocracy, and establish its worldly vision of the dominion of Christ over all aspects of life. You are issued high-tech military weaponry, and instructed to engage the infidel on the streets of New York City. You are on a mission — both a religious mission and a military mission — to convert or kill Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, gays, and anyone who advocates the separation of church and state — especially moderate, mainstream Christians. Your mission is “to conduct physical and spiritual warfare”; all who resist must be taken out with extreme prejudice.”

Sounds like fun to me. Sound like they really got the ‘Jesus is the Prince of Peace’ vibe down good, dontcha think? The one upside to the game is you can also come back as the anti-Christ and wreak the same terrors on the Christoidiots in the game.

And, finally, for a laugh, check out the ‘Jesus Thinks You’re a Jerk’ Photoshop contest by the funny people at Fark.

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