It’s a theme I haven’t touched upon in a while, but gawd, conservative humor sucks. Really bad. Think Dennis Miller. That American Carol movie. And that FOX News ripoff of the Daily Show that lasted a month or so, and nobody remembers. Why? I think it’s because, ultimately, the nastiness always comes through. They can’t hide the real contempt (not the satirical sort) that they have for anyone not like them.
Now, pardon me if I soil some of your memories from that shit decade known as the 1980′s, but remember that comedian, Gallagher? Kinda looked like a balding hippie, smashed watermelons with a big hammer, funny perhaps 5 percent of the time? And you couldn’t get away from his comedy “specials”? Well, he’s still not funny, but apparently, he’s turned into a vicious, homophobic right-wing crank:
Gallagher is upset about a lot of things. Young people with their sagging pants (in faintly coded racist terms, he explains that this is why the jails are overcrowded—because “their” baggy pants make it too hard for “them” to run from the cops).People naming their girl-children Sam and Toni instead of acceptable names like Evelyn and Betty: “Just give her some little lesbian tendencies!” Lesbians: “There’s two types—the ugly ones and the pretty ones.” (Um, like all people?) Obama again: “If Obama was really black, he’d act like a black guy and get a white wife.” Michael Vick: “Poor Michael Vick.” Trans people: “People like Cher’s daughter—figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can’t see your dick, you don’t get one.” The Rice Krispies elves: “All three of those guys are gay. Look at ‘em!” The Mexicans: “Look around—see any Mexicans? Nope. They’ll be here later for the cleanup.” The French: “They ruin our language with their faggy words.”
A-HAW-HAW-HA! The French and their “faggy words”! What original, insightful political satire!
Not really.
The only thing worse than an unfunny comedian is an unfunny right-wing asshole comedian. But it gets worse. He’s apparently a really bitter fuck as well, the John McCain of comedy, if you will. In an interview with the Onion’s AV Club a while back, as one commenter put it, he “sounds like when Grampa had real bad Alzheimers”:
I can’t get through the show without hydrating? How is that funny? It’s just more of the same mediocre, lackadaisical, lack of quality, acceptance of the average that goes on in America. First we allow people to wiggle balloons behind the foul shooter as if it’s okay to win because the audience distracted the visiting team. I thought it was an athletic competition! I didn’t know it was a psychological competition in which you could ring cowbells behind the coach so the coach couldn’t talk to his players. Or that you could put a big “brick” up in the air and psychologically attack the foul shooter, “Oh, don’t be a brick!” Now, what is the game here? Is it chess? Or is it some kind of psychological torture of the opposing team? We’ve lost the meaning of athletic competition.
What? Did any of that make any sense to you? The interview is basically “everyone sucks” with smatterings of “get off my lawn, you goddamn kids”, interspersed with generous amounts of babble like the above.
Now, I’ve never found the guy funny. His story about his brother, “Gallagher, Too,” however, is really funny. Seems his brother looks just like him, so he went around touring, doing Gallagher One’s act, complete with smashing watermelons, until Gallagher One sued the shit out of him. You can read all about that one here.
Gallagher, with all his insane rantings, does show glimmers of honesty every now and then, as he clearly states in the interview, “So I’ve got a point of view that I don’t mind expressing, because I’m really not ruining a career that’s not really happening.” Indeed. Perhaps he should start doing his schtick at Teabagger rallies, as I’m sure his “genius” would be greatly appreciated there.
