Five Before Chaos

I know, I know, this pic’s been around a long time, but, dammit, it still cracks me up.

…the funniest stuff is that which is true.

From xkcd via Unreasonable Faith (click on it for larger size).

… with this portrait of a teabagger. I mean, c’mon, does this sound like someone you know?

“Our very way of life is under siege,” said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination.

Or this?

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance “since the Ten Commandments.”

Love it.

This guy has the answer.

I’ve often pointed out how conservatives don’t seem to be able to be funny, giving us things like  bad Daily Show ripoffs that go nowhere and douches like Dennis Miller. Often, conservative “humor” consists of just being a mean prick and laughing about it, which is really no different from them when they’re not trying to be funny. Maybe they just laugh less when they’re not trying. Anyways, I have to amend that statement about them not being funny. Conservatives, especially the mouthbreathing, luantic-fringe type, are HYSTERICAL… but only when they’re not trying to be.

As the right wing nutball implosion seems to be happening so quick I can’t even keep up anymore, it’s not taking long for the hysteria to reach new and dramatic heights. It’s almost as though the entire crazy population of the country opened their mouths at once. Racist crazyman Glenn Beck is now predicting some Road Warrior-type armed insurrection. The CPAC (Conservative Pricks Acting Crazy) gathering  just wound up, where they were wowed by an eloquent 13 year-old who can speak in the usual reality-challenged talking points, and are literally creaming their pants over the hateful, incendiary words of a fat, impotent, pill-popping sex tourist, who can’t even figure out the difference between the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution (as thought he really understands either, to begin with). And of course, there’s that Rick Santelli (which of course, was anything but spontaneous) “new tea party” nonsense, which is a real hoot. Did you know a whopping 200 people showed up for one in NYC (you know, that city with over 8 million people)?

The Village Voice has a bit on it, and I really couldn’t stop laughing. Putting aside the very obvious fact that these people know nothing about socialism, history, Marxism or anything else with more than two syllables, it’s amazing how seriously unhinged these people are.  A few choice nuggets of “wisdom”.

Continue reading

Funny stuff.

Every now and then, I like to cover a good, hard news story. When sitting down to choose this, I wasn’t sure where to begin. Spitzer? The revelation that Bush intervened to weaken the new EPA smog standards? That the House is still managing to hold firm on not giving Bush telecom immunity More campaign foibles?

Nah…. the real story which you might or might not of heard about is the one about the woman in Kansas who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet seat for two years, until the skin of her ass actually grew around the seat.

Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years, and they’re investigating whether she was mistreated.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said a man called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his girlfriend.

Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman’s skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”

Niiii-ice. Apparently she had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, which makes my childhood phobia of restroom hand-dryers seem tame by comparison. So there’s sever al unanswered and one answered question regarding theis hard-hitting story which may indeed have serious consequences. First, how does one’s skin grow around the toilet seat? Answer to that here.

“It’s analogous to a couple of things,” says Dr. Daniel Aires, director of the division of dermatology at the University of Kansas Hospital. “One of them would be a splinter. When someone gets a splinter in the skin, the skin grows around it. Another thing that’s similar is an earring or piece of large tribal jewelry, like you see people wearing now. The skin is very happy to grow around things – that’s a natural process.”.

But a few other things remain unanswered. Why did her idiot boyfriend wait two whole years before getting help? Was he holding it in that long and couldn’t wait any longer? How did he deal with guests who had to use the bathroom? “Uh, bathroom’s out of order folks.” And finally, how did she wipe?

A special h/t to MSNBC’s website for their extensive coverage of this vital matter. Still not on the level of the hard-hitting journalism that they expended on the Britney coverage, but pretty darn close. Thanks for keeping us informed. I now keep a thin layer of WD-40 on my toilet seat so this will never happen to me.