Five Before Chaos

Now, tell me this doesn’t look like a parody. It’s not.

A Louisiana sheriff has begun training 200 local volunteers in basic hand-to-hand combat techniques as part of Project Exodus aimed at protecting the northwestern corner of the state from the danger of terrorists, the Shreveport Times reports.

Reporter Drew Pierson writes that Bossier Parish Sheriff Larry Deen’s policing plan involves “a mostly white group of ex-police volunteers and a .50-caliber machine gun” and was inspired in part from the Book of Exodus in the Bible.

It must make the fine citizens of northwestern Louisiana know that when the jihadists all parachute into their corner of the state (undoubtedly a prime target of interest to Al Qaeda), a bunch of old farts with big guns will keep the area safe and free to do something else as equally stupid. It’s like Red Dawn II, except with old people and Arabs instead of teens and Soviets. Wolverines!

I love it when this kind of stuff happens,  it doesn’t happen nearly as much as it should, considering how many of these people are still in the closet:

…a state senator from Southern California was arrested for allegedly driving drunk after leaving Faces, a gay nightclub in midtown Sacramento, early Wednesday morning.

A Republican, no surprise there. Of course, what makes it funny, awesome, great, etc.:

Ashburn served six years as a state Assemblyman before being elected to the State Senate. According to Project Vote Smart, Ashburn’s voting record shows he has voted against every gay rights measure in the State Senate since taking office including Recognizing Out-Of-State Same-Sex Marriages”, Harvey Milk Day and Expanding Anti-Discrimination Laws.

The day they get Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham will be a great day, indeed.

Yes, I know, it’s like a car wreck that I can’t stop looking at, but apparently, not-Joe the Unlicensed Plumber is still somehow news. He’s putting that empty cranium to good use, scrutinizing our future leaders:

Joe’s endorsement is apparently quite the coup. He says more than 200 politicians have asked for support this year, but so far, he’s only backed five. “I need to talk to candidates before I endorse,” he told me afterwards, explaining that his bar is pretty high. “We have a series of conversations – 20 to 30 minute conversations – and I grill them. I ask them questions about energy, education – make sure they’re straight.” Wurzelbacher says he also vets candidates online.

So why Rohrer? He says they share many of the same values – the Second Amendment, states’ independence, “integrity, honesty.” Plus, “Sam is really favored amongst the tea parties. It takes a lot for them to get behind an individual.”

Hmm, so many ways to dissect this. He “grills” them about the many important issues that Joe has never shown more than a right-wing sound-bite’s depth of knowledge about. Love to be a fly on that wall for the grilling – on education, Joe: “So, do you think it’s very important that kids say the pledge of allegiance before class? What about those “safe places” with the pink triangles? Are you going to prevent gay sex in our nation’s schools? And why aren’t they talking about God in biology class?” And somehow I suspect “make sure they’re straight” means what I think it does, as Joe has talked in the past about his fear of the Lavender Gay Menace.

Joe also does a serious whammy, looking for “integrity and honesty”, and in the next sentence, it tells us how Joe’s a teabagger favorite, something that has nothing to do whatsoever with integrity or honesty. It does take a lot for them to get behind an individual, as they must speak in racist code words, ignore inconvenient facts, and not rule out just about any conspiracy theory, no matter how batshit insane, especially if it involves black presidents.

The article didn’t say this, but apparently, he’s spending a lot of time evaluating other things, as Swanson has him now working hard testing out their new line of “Hungry Man” frozen dinners. Joe: “The apple cobbler is pretty good, but the salisbury steak is a bit too gristly. I spent all night on this, as, like politics, when it comes to food, my bar is pretty high.”

You might have noticed perpetual-angry-white-guy Chanman in the comments sparring about the “teleprompter president”. We still hear the constant Republidouche “jokes” (in quotes, because con humor isn’t funny once it leaves the confines of CPAC and the like) about Obama and his Precious Magical Teleprompter, all the while ignoring that just about every other president since its invention has relied on them.

So, as Chanman pointed us to a Politico (aka “Dick Cheney’s Stenographer Weekly”) article about, how, get this, Obama has relied on teleprompters more than any other president. Ok. So. Fucking. What. The point?

See, somehow (and this is rooted in conservative anti-intellectualism, of course), the implication is the only reason Obama has the talent of being a great orator (which many concur, regardless of whether or not they support him) is because of his teleprompter. That and it probably pisses off the teabaggers that he uses words they don’t understand and doesn’t leave the consonants off of the end of his words. These are the same people that bitch about Obama not always wearing a tie or putting his feet up on his desk, even though his predecessors did the same. Yeh, pissy little bitches, the lot of ‘em.

Over at the PMI, another idea presented, which makes perfect sense:

The fake teleprompter bit is rooted in racial insecurities/straight up racism. As in: “How can we explain away the fact that a black man has ascended to the office of President when we all know black men are inferior (especially intellectually)?” Or at least, “How can we soothe our stung white man’s pride at the fact?”

One way is to knock the uppity negro down a peg and/or to point out that he really isn’t all that smart after all – that he only sounds articulate because he’s reading off a teleprompter (unlike all those white presidentz).

That explains it!

Protests aside, a lot of these idiots still can’t fathom that a) we have a black president and b) he’s not saying “Yowsa” or wearing his pants down to his ankles. And of course, they’ll deny it till they’re blue in their pasty white faces, but once you leave the realm of Peak Wingnut, it’s pretty fucking obvious. Yes, I’m playing the race card(cue ominous music). What other card is there, other than the crazy card?

Teabagger favorite, Florida Senate candidate Marc Rubio, criticizing Obama on that stupid teleprompter thing again (seriously, not a word about Reagan using ‘em?)… while using a teleprompter.

We are a stupid, stupid country.

Please, this guy must be getting pretty old, right now. How much longer is he gonna stick around and torture us with this crap? The de facto guru of “Washington villager conventional wisdom footsie” knocks this one out of the park in terms of sheer vacuousness:

The snows that obliterated Washington in the past week interfered with many scheduled meetings, but they did not prevent the delivery of one important political message: Take Sarah Palin seriously…

This was not the first time that Palin has impressed me…

Blessed with an enthusiastic audience of conservative activists, Palin used the Tea Party gathering and coverage on the cable networks to display the full repertoire she possesses, touching on national security, economics, fiscal and social policy, and every other area where she could draw a contrast with Barack Obama and point up what Republicans see as vulnerabilities in Washington…

Methinks Broder would also be “impressed” by a shiny new penny dangling on a string, or perhaps a July 4th sparkler, given the bar he’s set here. Funny how he failed to notice how those things in Caribou Barbie’s “full repertoire” are all things she doesn’t have a fucking clue about, even with crib notes.

Sweet merciful crap. He’s like that neighbor you used to live next to who would stop you on the porch and talk about just about everything he doesn’t have a friggin’ clue about.

Didn’t watch it, but I did read it. Did enjoy Alito mouthing “That’s not true’.” What a pissy, little bitch.

Of course, I’m still mildly amused at the reaction from the Koskids, some of them are feeling rather inspired again. Not me, I’ve seen this one too many times… O’s polls go down, he makes a nice speech that sounds promising, gets a bump, and then continues to do almost nothing but sit on his hands. And then another speech, rinse, spit, repeat.

Obama: “We don’t quit. I don’t quit.’”

Yeah, well, he doesn’t fight, either.

We’re now stuck between choosing a party that is thoroughly unqualified to govern and a party that is criminally insane and sociopathic. Great choices.

Sometimes the sheer, brain-boiling stupidity of Christian fundamentalists just makes me literally laugh out loud. Like this, a guy running for governor in what is undoubtedly the most enlightened state in the Union, Alabama.

See, it seems he made the mistake of exhibiting some intelligence when he said recently, “”I believe there are parts of the Bible that are meant to be literally true and parts that are not.”

Uh, dude, you’re in Ala-friggin’-bama fer Chrissake!!!! What were you thinking? He had a presser scheduled at a Piggly Wiggly supermarket. So look what happened:

When notice of the press conference was posted on al.com Wednesday morning, several posters said things similar to this:

“Just got a call from a person at my Church letting me know about this,” said uafan1198. “My family will not be shopping at Ragland Piggly Wiggly stores anymore or anything else they own…. I don’t shop at places that think it is OK to stand next to people who don’t believe the Bible is all true.”

So, he said he was misquoted, and that “I believe the Bible is true. Every word of it.” Yeah. I believe you.

(smacks forehead) You know, when I hear how we’re only as bright as our dumbest people, and then I think how, in order to run for office, a man has to proclaim that he’s essentially a blithering idiot in order to have a chance, I truly fear for our nation.

…the funniest stuff is that which is true.

The man below is Dale Robertson, a self-described “President and Founder of the Tea Party,” and owner/operator of teaparty.org. But remember, this movement’s not racist. Or so they insist.

One of the many ironies here about this uniquely American fucktardery is how so many of these people yell “SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!” yet have barely begun to master it, themselves. Or, maybe if you spell it wrong, it’s not racist, it’s dialect or something. Another stunning portrait of your Modern American Conservative Movement™ in action.

My god, if some bioterrorist synthesized a virus that kills only people with low IQ’s, we’d lose half the country, I tells ya’.

(h/t to Gawker)