Five Before Chaos

Yes, I know, it’s like a car wreck that I can’t stop looking at, but apparently, not-Joe the Unlicensed Plumber is still somehow news. He’s putting that empty cranium to good use, scrutinizing our future leaders:

Joe’s endorsement is apparently quite the coup. He says more than 200 politicians have asked for support this year, but so far, he’s only backed five. “I need to talk to candidates before I endorse,” he told me afterwards, explaining that his bar is pretty high. “We have a series of conversations – 20 to 30 minute conversations – and I grill them. I ask them questions about energy, education – make sure they’re straight.” Wurzelbacher says he also vets candidates online.

So why Rohrer? He says they share many of the same values – the Second Amendment, states’ independence, “integrity, honesty.” Plus, “Sam is really favored amongst the tea parties. It takes a lot for them to get behind an individual.”

Hmm, so many ways to dissect this. He “grills” them about the many important issues that Joe has never shown more than a right-wing sound-bite’s depth of knowledge about. Love to be a fly on that wall for the grilling – on education, Joe: “So, do you think it’s very important that kids say the pledge of allegiance before class? What about those “safe places” with the pink triangles? Are you going to prevent gay sex in our nation’s schools? And why aren’t they talking about God in biology class?” And somehow I suspect “make sure they’re straight” means what I think it does, as Joe has talked in the past about his fear of the Lavender Gay Menace.

Joe also does a serious whammy, looking for “integrity and honesty”, and in the next sentence, it tells us how Joe’s a teabagger favorite, something that has nothing to do whatsoever with integrity or honesty. It does take a lot for them to get behind an individual, as they must speak in racist code words, ignore inconvenient facts, and not rule out just about any conspiracy theory, no matter how batshit insane, especially if it involves black presidents.

The article didn’t say this, but apparently, he’s spending a lot of time evaluating other things, as Swanson has him now working hard testing out their new line of “Hungry Man” frozen dinners. Joe: “The apple cobbler is pretty good, but the salisbury steak is a bit too gristly. I spent all night on this, as, like politics, when it comes to food, my bar is pretty high.”

And apparently, even God himself realizes Joe the Plumber is an idiot, as Ron Moore’s new article about a WorldNut Daily interview with JTP reveals to us:

Asked if he has plans to run for public office, he replied, “I hope not. You know, I talked to God about that and he was like, ‘No.’”

And who knew that the Sky Fairy talked like Donna from, like, Beverly Hills, 90210?
Apparently, when not out shilling for the corporate plutocracy that’s perpetually screwing his demographic and railing against legislation he knows nothing about, he still has time to make proclamations about how Obama’s a bigger threat to the nation than the 9-11 attacks were (which in actuality, weren’t a “threat” to the perseverance of the nation, just its civil liberties and tolerance).

Palin-Wurzelbacher ’12! Please, please, please?! I can’t think of a better source for perpetual content.

…are really nothing more than the shallowest of dark pits. Okay, okay, no one would ever make the claim of Joe the Plumber having a deep mind, but nevertheless, his recent interview in the collection of stapled toilet paper known as Christianity Today is a revealing insight into the empty cranium of Joe.  Aside from the already classic and oft-quoted “I won’t let the queers near my children”, he offers real, concrete policy solutions (sort of):

I heard some stories about George Bush, and how he wrote an original letter to each and every soldier that died. And his prayer life was listed to be pretty intense. That kind of thing, it’s awesome. I would love it to be true. I would love to hear our leaders actually check with God before he does stuff.

Yep, “check with God before you do stuff” is really the only political platform and strategy we need, and only a slight improvement over “check with the Ouija board before you do stuff,” or “check the goat’s entrails before you do stuff”. Hey, it helped bring about such high points of American history such as that ridiculously successful and just Iraq war, right?

Aw, hell, who am I kiddin’?  It’s the same friggin’ thing.  Hell, our own Lt. Gov. right here in Vermont thinks something similar is the best way to fix the problems in Vermont – “There are situations in our state, especially right now, that require prayer,” Dubie said.”, so it’s not apparently limited to the insights of uneducated, unemployed men with the insights of a third-grader, it works for professional politician/airline pilots with the insights of a third-grader, as well.

When revealing he sometimes “falls short” as a Christian, he means, basically, he “doesn’t read the Bible enough”, nothing like “embracing homphobia and policies that hurt the poor and wage war.” Cuz, see, that’d require both some sort of conscience and some sort of cognitive ability, something that the Sky Fairy apparently withheld when he made Joe.

…simply refuses to go away. I got to hand it to Joe, though, for an idiot who’s somehow managed to turn the art of saying moronic, uninformed things into both a high art and a career, he’s doing something that is rather brilliant in that regard. His latest thing he’s talking about out there that he doesn’t have a clue about is rallying against the EFCA legislation (the legislation that will make it easier to unionize and will NOT do away with the secret ballot option no matter how many times opponents lie that it will):

Joe the Plumber is hitting the campaign trail again! He’s been pressed into service to do a series of events throughout Pennsylvania rallying opposition to the Employee Free Choice Act, the organizer of the events confirms.

Mr. Plumber will speak at rallies against the measure in Pittsburgh, Harrisburg, and Philadelphia on March 30th and 31st, according to a spokesperson for the anti-EFCA group Americans for Prosperity.

“The public loves Joe the Plumber,” the spokesperson, Mary Ellen Burke, claimed to me. “They see him as a role model.”…

Pressed on whether Joe the Plumber has any particular claim to being a spokesperson on the issue, Burke replied that “he represents the American worker.”

Where, oh where to to begin? Hmm, a correction is apparently in order, about “representing the American worker”. First off, before the campaign happened, if I remember correctly, “Mr. Plumber” was unemployed. I know, a nitpick. But to be more accurate, the quote should have said “represents the thoroughly uninformed, uneducated worker incapable of critical thinking or factual analysis who buys into the perceptual victimhood portrayed by the WATB GOP”. Or something like that.

Apparently, real plumbers are pissed about this, too. From , Rick Terven, the political and legislative director for The United Association of Journeymen and Apprentices of the Plumbing and Pipe Fitting Industry of the United States and Canada:

“Joe the plumber is selling out real plumbers. Right now, labor law is stacked against real plumbers. Real plumbers want and need the Employee Free Choice Act as a way to empower themselves to join a union, without fear of intimidation or losing their jobs. Joe the Plumber doesn’t speak for real plumbers.”

And about the spokesman saying how “the public” sees Joe as a “role model” (although I’d be hard pressed to find anyone to admit that an unemployed dunce who knows nothing except how to shill for people who work tirelessly against his own interests is somehow a “role model”)… I’m curious as to who else they may consider a “role model”. Howzabout this guy? He’s not funny either, isn’t really what he says he is, and makes a career out of being ignorant (although, admittedly, his is just an act):

I can’t fight the nagging suspicion that if the GOP were still in charge, Larry’d be in charge of the FCC or something. They do things like that, you know. They can’t help it.

(h.t to The Political Carnival)

I know, Joe the Plumber to me is like Britney Spears to the masses, in that “can’t stop looking at the car wreck” kinda way. However, it all seems to be coming to an end, as the WaPo reports, Joe the Author, Plumbing New Lows in Interest. Yep, apparently a whopping 11 people showed up for his book signing at a DC Borders. Fortunately, even with his 15 minutes of fame as the inspiration to angry, uneducated Republican dead-enders and as a punchline to thinking people everywhere, the wisdom from this Most Brilliant of Americans is showing no signs of subsiding:

Joe replied that he believes “our American heritage is being torn apart” by flag burners, critics of the military, and those who mock Christian values. He expressed his admiration for patriotic immigrants, and said he dislikes terms like African American and Asian American (“We’re all Americans,” he said). For some reason, he concluded by saying, “America has always been a kick-butt, take-names kind of country.”

“For some reason?” Howzabout, “the rutabaga currently residing in this man’s skull forced him to conclude that…”

Considering the demographics of those who take what this idiot says seriously, perhaps the format was all wrong. Instead of a book, with “words”, perhaps a coloring book might have been more appropriate. Or perhaps a format like one of those little pamphlets the religious kooks leave on windshields? We could take some of his sayings and put them in fortune cookies, as they are about as true and insightful as what currently passes for fortune cookie literature, nowadays.

Pretty soon, Sarah Palin will more than likely subside from the idiotosphere, too. Who will we have, then? I can think of a few local bloggers, but I need something bigger and more grandiose and wide-reaching in its sheer vacuousness.

Jeezus, when will it end? It’s amazing (well, no it isn’t) how right now, when the news shows have guests on about the stimulus package, Reps still outnumber Dems by a highly disproportionate amount. I’m waiting for Tweety Matthews or someone, after they’ve had one too many on the commercial break, to just look at their GOP stooge-du-jour right in the eye, and ask, “You people have screwed this economy and just about everything else up about this country so unbelievably, why should the American people or Barack Obama give a flying fuck about what you think about anything? If the national crisis was finding a cure for herpes, you’d say the solution was “more tax cuts”. Now get out of here, don’t you have a young male hooker to pick up somewhere?”

That’d be a highwater mark for journalism in my lifetime, lemme tell ya. And of course, the said stooge would blather on about the gawdamn libruls or Rush Limpballs talking points or something. And then, the host, if he’s not too sauced, should point to this:

You’d think Joe the Plumber’s 15 minutes would be up by now. But , no, after a stint as a correspondent in Israel, he took his act to Capitol Hill today.

The first order of business: giving political advice to conservative Republican staffers at breakfast, which, Wurzelbacher told us, “Went really well.”

Yep, not-Joe-the-not-Plumber, who epitomizes just about everything that’s wrong with the know-nothing-the-hell-with “thinking”-and-”facts”-I’m-going-with-my-gut segment of the population, is now advising the Republicans about political strategy. By “went really well”, I’m guessing he meant that the GOP let him know that they were going to continue using him as a prop/mouthpiece to communicate their agenda to the most non-thinking segments of the population (which, aside from the super-rich is all they seem to have left, nowadays).

Yep, Joe, fresh off of his Israeli reporting gig, where he gave us insightful observations such as this:

The people of Sderot “can’t do normal things day to day” like get soap in their eyes in the shower, for fear of rockets, said America’s most famous plumber,”I’m sure they’re taking quick showers,” he said. “I know I would.”

“I have thousands of questions but I can’t think of the right one.”

Here’s one for you, Joe… “You want fries with that?” Because, really, that’s the only question you’re qualified to ask.

I know, not-Joe-the-not-plumber’s 15 minutes of fame are just about up, but he made an appearance on right-wing chronic masturbator Sean Hannity’s show the other day and said some unsurprisingly stupid things. He really is Joe Twelvepack. The Rude Pundit’s got a good take on it…

(emphasis mine)

And there, in a nugget of anti-wisdom, is all the delusional glory of white working class people who support Republicans. Apparently, for them, money for things like welfare or food stamps or whatever, which is fine when they need it, but is socialism when others do, is just pinched out by a money-shitting, giant bald eagle or something. Maybe Jesus jacks off, and where his seed falls, trees with golden apples grow. Maybe Uncle Sam just pukes greenbacks.

It also means, for anyone paying attention, who gives a shit what Wurzelbacher thinks? He’s an obvious idiot, not, as Hannity said, offering a manly hand job, “You’re the heart and soul swinging that wrench, you’re the heart and soul of what makes this country great.” No, actually Wurzelbacher is what makes this country a fucking laughingstock and a pathetic inbred cousin of what it could be. There’s plenty of working class people who actually do understand how taxation and social safety nets work. They also know that “spreading the wealth,” unlike what John McCain says, is what once made America great.